So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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