She said her name was "party"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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