Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
