got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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