You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
