He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
