6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
