please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize