We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She bit a glass in half.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
we're so committed to being not committed
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
