We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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