note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
