i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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