in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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