my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
