Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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