It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
