I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
