i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
