i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was confusing and full of hummus
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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