he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Less talking, more tequila
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
