____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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