i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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