My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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