new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
