My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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