You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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