genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
