just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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