My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Everything about him screamed your future.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
