It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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