Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
