I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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