my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
