I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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