First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
