Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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