I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
