apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize