Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
