He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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