its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
