theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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