my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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