I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm too high and old for this...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
