You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
