Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize