I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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