Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize