I just threw up on my dentist
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
