You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
