69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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