New invention idea: vibrating tampons
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
