I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My vagina just clenched in fear
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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