I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
