you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm eating all of the evidence.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
