I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
