I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
