Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
