I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
