she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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