Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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