but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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