He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
