She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
