my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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